The climate being brought to the forefront in recent days, months and years has stirred up triggering feelings for many- the abuse to women, children and men has been carried in the bellies and hearts of millions tragically throughout history. But the fire that's been sparked as of late has amplified the echos of systematic abuse sent down from generation to generation, congregation to congregation, culture to culture. Fear, control, entitlement and power has ruled the people-a system that's been passed down by our 'forefathers' and the patriarchal methodology to not make everyone equal but to keep order, make money and keep certain people in power, and others not. Many of us have fought hard to change this outdated system, and we've done well. But now it feels like a kick in the gut. But my hands do not shake, they are steady with each key stroke. We can't be silent, go underground to send a message. We must be so loud that the Earth feels it all the way down to her core.
We've come along way as a world, as a society. So many kind people, women and men alike, doing wonderful things and taking care of each other and standing up for those without a voice. To those I send a heart-felt thank you. Keep doing what your doing, make the world a better and kinder place. We must stay vigilant and not let their hands cover our mouths in silence any longer, those who use their position or power to have control over the dis empowered. Those who hold those tender souls under their thumbs to only then declare to be victims themselves when claims of abuse or injustice arise. Whether the abuser holds the highest position in the land, or plays the role of God in the eyes of a child as father, mother, teacher or priest, the effects of abuse stay with that survivor their entire life.
Sometimes we pay attention to those effects, sometimes we don't. Sometimes it's a low continual hum in the background of our every day life. Sometimes we feel the lump in our throat, stifling our voice- or the lump is lodged so deeply within our chest we long for the cathartic release of screaming until our voice runs dry. Sometimes it shows up unannounced as crippling anxiety or depression. However we choose to to process our own trauma is our choice, but we need not go at it alone. Does it take decades to even realize the weight and magnitude of which we suffered? Often times it does. Does fighting your entire life to dislodge that lump to finally find your voice diminish that magnitude and weight? Absolutely not.
We see the strength, we embody the relived pain, we feel the frustration and outrage. We hear the cries of our sisters and brothers throughout the world. How can we rise up, heal, love and create lasting change? I'm not sure I have the exact answer to that question. But the feeling lodged in my chest is a mixture of emotions I've carried throughout my entire life. And yet my hands are steady. Betrayal, sadness, rage, shame, anxiety, low self worth. These were embedded into my psyche at a tender age, where instead of protection and love I experienced trauma and unspeakable neglect. And yes, even if I would choose to publicly use my voice today to call them out over 30 years later, you are damned right they should be held accountable. And yes I do believe it shows insight into their character. And did I experience an additional assault similar to the one in the headlines today? Almost to the letter.
D0 these feelings get carried into young adulthood, adulthood into today? Of course, they effect every aspect of our lives. Who we chose to love or let love us, if at all. What we feel we deserve and don't deserve. If we let ourselves feel any emotion at all. This has been the pattern most throughout most of my adult life, as is the case with most who have had something taken without their consent. With wonderful support and much interpersonal work I've been able to heal somewhat, to find some forgiveness and share love and support to those who need it.
But our story is not unique, it is shared by millions of people all around the country and the world. And what right have do some have to say to us that maybe we are confused? Or maybe we were drunk or emotional? To say it was so long ago it no longer matters. Whether we speak up or process it all silently it all matters. Every single drop of it. And whether your hands are steady or they and your voice are shaking you out of your skin, it matters.
For those who voice never came, I hear you. For those who suffered at the hands of abusers, I see you. For those who's rage and self hated eats at you, I feel you. For the dozens of women, men and children I know personally who have suffered, I stand with you and yes, me too. For those of you who stay in unhealthy situations because you feel you have no other choice, you do. To find a trusted loved one, grocery store clerk, doctor or friend and tell them that you or someone you love needs help. And to all of you, I believe you.
A definition of alchemy is the magical process of transformation, creation or combination. I've chosen to combine these emotions, these memories and this big ass lump in my throat, chest and belly and transform them.
Like Kali, Goddess of destruction and change, I choose to consume that rage and turn it into love. It has been a challenging thing to do. Rage and anger has been an underlying driving force most of my adult life after I decided to move away from my self-destructive tendencies. To prove I'm worthy, that I can do anything I put my mind to. That I deserved to be here. It's been embedded into my being for so long I felt I needed that rage to propel my will to create change.
But that's not where I want to come from in this fight. I choose love. Love for myself. Love for all those who have had to live with the combination of emotions, triggers and memories that color their lives. We need love to change the language of the world. I see the defensiveness, fear, rage & privilege coming from those inflicting pain, and I allow those deep rooted feelings within me to exist but to move through myself in love. In love to correct what's wrong, in love to do what needs to be done, and in love to be sure that others, including myself are heard. We need to change the way we raise our children; educate our children on what's right and wrong. Teach about consent. Respect. Empathy. All of it.
For every dismissal from authorities of claims made, every disbelief when someone has spoken up, for every unasked for ass grab and grope, for every person on this planet which suffers from inner silence, pain and lack of closure for what's been taken from them-I offer you raging love.
I wage war on this outdated and barbaric lineage that dismisses such disrespect and ignores the rape culture that plagues our existence. I wage war on those who try to stifle our voices and spit venom at those who have bravely suited up for battle. I will use my voice, my ballot and my actions to suit up and stand up for what's right. Let the steady hands hold those that shake. Let us hold each other up with the strength and might that won't waver under the pressure any longer.
My wounds are deep, not visible to most who see me, and mostly scar tissue until they get ripped open on occasion. But I work today to wear those wounds as war paint, and I join you in battle to bring change led by raging love.
Resources to volunteer, donate or find help:
Joyful Heart Foundation-a place for victims of sexual abuse, domestic violence and child abuse
HAVEN-A place for sexual abuse and domestic violence victims and their children
RAINN-National sexual assault hotline
NACAP-Supporting recovery from child abuse
*other photo resources:
Hello lovelies. Thank you for letting me express my journey of discovering my magic and Divine Feminine. I am happy to share my experiences with you to heal, love, and evolve.